“More Time” by Rachel Faulkner

The following is a poem written by my wife Rachel flowing from the pain of our recent loss. We hope it blesses and encourages and even helps your grieving process if you have suffered a Miscarriage.

Without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, my wife!

 

“More Time”

 

“I just want more time”

The first coherent sentence that emerge

From the wreckage that is my thought life

These hellish weeks

 

A lucid thought in such mental turmoil

A true gift

I crave clarity

But to accept this gift?

To see this sentence to its full conclusions?

That means vulnerability

And courage

Am I brave enough to process?

Do I have the courage to let myself feel?

 

Yes

Because I am a mother

I honor my child’s life

By acknowledging that Shalom’s

Life is worth grieving over

For my baby, I will heal

I will wrestle with this thought

 

“I just want more time”

10 weeks gestation

Such a medical phrase

That is all the time I had

Your daddy kissed my growing belly

I wanted your daddy to kiss your forehead

But then time was up

 

I sang to you

You never heard me

Because we never made it to 23 weeks

I longed to reach 23 weeks

When you could hear my voice

But then time was up

 

Time

To nurture

To love

To wonder over

To teach

That time was gone before I could even say good-bye

 

There was nothing left to do

Broken-hearted parents drove home in silence

Named you Shalom

And begged God for the peace we named you after

 

And I clung to the time I did have

Two memories on a blurry screen

The result of faulty man-made technology

The image of your beating heart

The image of your tiny body

 

There was a heartbeat

I saw it

And then it was gone

No one can tell me this isn’t a death

No one can tell me this isn’t a loss

No one can tell me I’m not a mother

 

Now, what do I do with my faith?

Shalom is in heaven

Theologically that should seem right

 

My child is not with me.

Maternally, nothing has ever felt more wrong

 

But I offer my shaky, bleeding heart

To a God infinitely beyond my raw emotions

 

Shalom will never want more time

Shalom will never year from something

Beyond a blurry image on a man-made screen

Shalom will never “feel” like Jesus isn’t there

 

In my humanity, I beg for more time

As a parent, I will never want

Anything less with my child

 

But my God asks me to wait

For the day beyond wishing and disappointment

When I won’t need to ask for more time

For now

I grieve

I wrestle

I embrace what is scary

Brokenness

Vulnerability

Asking for help

Ugly crying

 

I miss Shalom

But only for now

 

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