Dear sisters; Discerning His Intentions
I love interacting with people. In one of the many forums that my last GHFT Entry (Good Men Exist…Godly Men Exist) I was asked what a Godly Woman should do if she sees a “Godly Man” trying to gratify his sinful desires. It is an excellent question, so let me lay out a situation.
An attractive young woman is starting her first week at a small Christian College in Central Kansas. She is from another state and knows very little about this particular Christian School. When she was on campus for her visitation she was told there were a lot of Godly men on campus, men who loved the Lord and who respected women. So at the end of her first week she is in a carpool group to visit one of the local churches, specifically a large Baptist church in the next town over. When the service starts she notices two things, 1. The church is alive & 2. The drummer for the praise band is really good looking. He goes to the same college and is a few years ahead of her, she had seen him on the first day and heard him talk about going to church. Maybe this was one of those godly men she had heard about.
After the service she finds herself in a group of people who are standing around listening to this young man tell stories. He is a junior, studying ministry and he has a great sense of humor. During the conversation the young woman also catches his eye. They start to talk and soon start to hang out, he seems like a great guy, he opens doors for her, tells her she is beautiful, all of her girlfriends tell her that he is a great guy, nice and sweet. He is even involved in several ministries on campus and at the church. She likes him, but she is not ready for a relationship, but that seems to be where he is directing things. For example he has started hugging her a little bit longer than normal, he tries to always sit next to her and though he’s nice to have around and she would like a relationship she is trying to be wise and avoid one in her freshmen year.
Then comes “that talk” or what we called the “Define the Relationship” conversation. He confesses he likes her and thinks they should have a relationship. She turns him down and suddenly their friendship seems to end. As she seeks the wisdom of her older friends she finds out some disturbing things. 1. This guy has been addicted to porn and in the previous year had many girlfriends. 2. That he had been talking to many other girls at the same time & 3. That he was also known for his various attempts to “hook up” with girls on campus during his first 2 years. Could he have had a genuine interest in her or her body? “Yes, it could have been in her, but if he left when she turned him down that should be a sign that he is not as mature as he seems. Combined this with what the young lady discovers from talking to older woman who know his reputation you can say at the least his relationship with God was far from where it should have been or should to enter into a relationship. Here are three ways to recognize the intentions of a man if they have not been spoken.
Friends before Anything Else.
I have always been known for saying “We need to be friends before I can consider courting her.” When my friend David recommended a young lady to me in college I told him I needed to get to know her. I did and we became good friends, we talked about courtship, but ultimately it was not what God wanted for us. In our scenario above, they were friends, but in his mind they were something else already.
This is why I tell the guys I mentor to be very conscious and aware of your intentions and to set boundaries from the get go. I did not do this with my first close female friend in college. We ended up holding hands most of the time, even though we were not dating. The result was a very unhealthy friendship, focused on my own self-gratification over enjoying the friendship. In another friendship I became too forward thinking, wondering where this will go, once again I forgot the enjoy the friendship. It made it very difficult for me when everything fell apart. It was not until recently that I was able to enjoy the friendship and not rush the talking phase when both parties are interested. I was much happier and it was a little easier to handle when everything started pointing to an end to talking and just being friends.
Ladies, a man of God is in a relationship with God first and foremost. In the first two examples from my life I glorified the possible relationship with the woman over God resulting in the loss of one friend and getting hurt by another. In the last example I can say with a clean conscious that I led with the intent to glorify God, I got hurt, but handled it in a way that was gracious and loving towards her. I put what I wanted ahead of what God wanted the first two times and God’s glory ahead of what I wanted the last time. A man who is not sincere in his godliness will abandon you when everything gets rough or when you say “No.” A man of God will be your friend first and seek to always build your friendship, even that means you are forever just friends. He will stick by your friendship even after the possibility of a relationship Is thrown out.
Do not be afraid to ask the woman whom he is friends with questions about their friendship with him. Do not be taken in by his charm or wit without asking questions of others. If he has abandoned several woman after they told him no there is a good chance he will abandon you as well if you do not give in to the demand for a relationship. Seek wisdom, with hold judgment until all the facts are in, do this from the beginning, before you get hurt.
His Life Will Speak the Truth About Him.
Here is what Paul tells Titus to look for in men who will be Deacons in the church:
if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.(Titus 1:6-9 ESV)
I believe this what a woman should look for when she is looking for a man. Only instead of being a “Husband of one wife” he should be seeking to be a husband of one wife. This will require a lot of evaluation on behalf of the woman. Ladies, do not be afraid to ask the tough questions of the men you are interested in. Does he drink? If he drinks does he drink in excess or is does he show self-restraint and discipline. Does he love what is good? Is helping you grow in your faith? And does he make your spiritual grow a priority even in friendship? Is the Word of God & His relationship with God central in His life and does he defend them?
Again I say, ask questions of those around him. A man who is of “Good Repute” or “Above Reproach” will be that way with everyone who knows him well. If you discover what the girl in the example did there is a chance he was not genuine. But if terms like “Mature,” ”wise,” “Caring,” “Kind” and “Self-controlled” keep coming up he is probably a genuine man of God. Ask his male friends about him, ask his female friends about him. A man of God, a man of Godly character will be known as that to those closest to him. Chances are he has at some point or is currently helping them grow in their faith. His life will be a testament to what he values, not a monument to what could have been. He will place God above else and help to bring you closer to Him, even after you say “no.”
His Life Will Glorify God Outwardly & Inwardly.
The church drummer in our scenario may have looked great on the outside, but what is his thought life like? “It’s like his mind is always somewhere else” a friend of mine confessed to me. “Like he is always imagining what it would be like if we had sex or looking at other women like he wants to have sex with them.” In a church that either teaches that physical contact with the opposite is bad or does nothing to teach practical ways to remain sexually pure this is sadly common. This particular man talked such a good talk, yet his relationship ended with him cheating on her because she would not give him what he wanted.
Inwardly this man was not honoring God with his thought life which led to the outward action of cheating sexually on his girlfriend. Yes, he talked abstinence but did not practice it. Job says in 31:1 “I made a covenant with my eyes, to never look lustfully upon a woman.” Sexual purity is a covenant between you, God, your body and your brothers and sisters in Christ. Our relationship with God is as much Internal as it is External (See Matthew 15:1-20). A man who cannot control his passions, be self-controlled internally, but knows all the answers and talks a good talk is just as dangerous as a man who has no relationship with God at all. He will lead you astray, where as a man of God will do his best to lead you in the way that you should go.
How? By seeking with every action and with every thought to glorify the God of the universe whom he has an invested relationship, the God who made that man to glorify Him (1 Corinthians 10:21-31). Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8-9 to dwell on what is good and right and holy and lovely and commendable and praiseworthy. I like the word dwell because when we dwell on something it stays in our minds. If we dwell on the things of God we are going to internally glorify God instead of live in what we believe to be “hidden sin.” If a man dwells on what is good, on glorifying God, he will, ladies, help you do the same.
This morning in Sunday School we were discussing what Christ did on the cross. I spend a lot of time dwelling on this, especially during Lent and no matter how long I dwell on it my response is always to be extremely joyful. Someone noticed this reaction of Joy to Christ’s saving work and said “Jon, that’s the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”
If he is glorifying God internally and externally that will manifest itself as Love, as Joy, as peace, as patience, as self-control, as loving kindness, as thankfulness, he will show the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5) and show those both externally and internally as he glorifies God with his thought life as well as his physical action towards you and others.
Again, ask questions ladies, both of him and other others who know him.
It is true that actions speak louder than words. If he leaves your friendship after you say “no” to a courtship with him you can gain a perspective into his thought life. But my hope for you in writing this is that you are able to avoid the kind of heart break that leads you to put up the walls that make you wary of truly Godly men. To find healing in Christ first as none of this is possible without you having a strong relationship with Christ and without you experiencing and knowing the word of God, hiding it deep within your own precious heart.
Let God guard your heart ladies, you are precious to Him and to your brothers in Christ who are genuinely seeking to glorify God through the way they treat you both in your friendship and in their minds. That you may know that you have value and know the love of God.
Jonathan Faulkner is 22 Years old and lives in Kansas, he is a musician and a graduate of Sterling College where he still mentors students.